I get internet forwards all the time. I have been since receiving my first email addy (good old nevarro) in 1994 and I suspect I'll be getting them long after I've left this world.
Last spring I had "President Bush's resume" sent to me so many times I started to actually believe that someone, somewhere had hired me to be the guy that reviews applications that come in off of Monster.
Then, after a summer off from the resume circuit I was rehired a few weeks ago. Only, the resume had grown. Clearly this kid had dug up more work experience in an attempt to get rehired. . .After talking with Cody about it, we figured that between all the versions we'd received we must actually have every iteration of the resume that must be out there, which gave us an idea. . .one that Cody somehow had time to make a reality.
And os now, I present to you. . .the complete resume of George Walker Bush, President of the United States of America. . .if there is anything to add, let me know.
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520
Education:
-I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
- Activities: Cheerleading, rugby
Background Check:
-I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
-I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use.
Past Work Experience:
-Ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
-Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
-Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
-Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using tax-payer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
-I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
-Elected governor of Texas based on my father's name recognition and my oil industry buddies (Thanks Enron CEO Ken Lay!!!). I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money. All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view. I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history. With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
Accomplishments As President:
-I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
-I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
-I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
-I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
-I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
-I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
-I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. Stock Market.
-In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
-I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
-I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
-I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
-One of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron. My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
-I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
-I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
-I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
-I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
-I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.
-I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
-I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
-I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
-First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
-Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.
-Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
-I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
-I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. I did this because my administration allowed the illegal torture of Iraqi citizens.
-I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
-I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
-I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
-I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
-I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
-I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
-I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in wartime.
-Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in US history.
-In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
-I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
-I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
-I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
-During the Iraq War and Occupation thousands of American troops were injured and killed. I did not have the time to attend any of the funerals for our fallen soldiers but I did have the time to attend more than 43 fund-raising events of the Republican party. My administration then tried to suppress pictures of soldier's coffins- effectively denying American citizens their 1st Amendment rights.
-Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
-First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1).
-First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
-First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
-Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
-Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capitol building. I have no leads and zero suspects.
-Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.
-In a little under four years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war.
-Had more states to simultaneously go bankrupt than any president in the history of the United States.
-My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history.
As you consider me for reelection, I just asked that you consider my record.
